Jack Hepplewhite AKA outsideinside presents...

Published: 30 Aug 2012 10:300 comments

In a surprise experiment, we asked the coalition government to change places with Reading Festival organisers, here are the results.

Outsideinside: Jack Hepplewhite

The new festival committee got to work quickly, offering prime festival slots to their friends' bands and bands which donated the most to them. When confronted about the suggested corruption, they promised a debate on the booking policy, only to withdraw this at the 11th hour. A new concept was introduced by one member of the committee without consulting the rest of the board. Lots of money was spent on it, but alas it was thrown out.

Entrance rules were moved, meaning many ticket holders expecting to catch their favourite bands on the main stage will have to go into a clearing process. This might see them watch the headliners on the second stage, but unfortunately the majority would have to settle with looking at a poster. A spokesman said: "The decision has been tough, but it was essential for us to meet our quotas - everybody cannot have the same opportunities, far too many people are watching the main stage, it can't last."

The board was vilified in the press and by the public at large for the final line up. The complaints made it increasingly obvious that the committee had lost touch with the fans and were generally pursuing bands they wanted to see, not what their punters wanted to see. A spokesman said: " We have to make these tough decisions, but it is for the greater good."

A new concept was introduced by one member of the committee without consulting the rest of the board. Lots of money was spent on it, but alas it was thrown out.

The ticket sales division was sold off, then within two days, under the new owners, tickets rose at a rate of around 30% per day. Many customers could no longer afford to buy their tickets, ticket revenue dropped significantly. A new concept was introduced by one member of the committee without consulting the rest of the board. Lots of money was spent on it, but alas it was thrown out.

Ticket sales came in well under the estimated number by up to 50%, leading to half of the festival field needing to be sold off to raise funds. A spokesman said: "It won't be a disruption, in these hard times, festivals will need to help out and share their sites."

The festival organisers in charge of government, successfully lowered the deficit, taxes, energy, water and fuel prices, elected only lords the people wanted, made the bankers pay for their mistakes, nationalised the banks and actually approved small business loans to everyone that needed them, the economy grew and they allowed being a musician to be a real job, which they actually got paid for and not just opportunities and some food and free soft drinks.

Moral of the story. Festivals are good. Embrace them. Be happy.

Jump to first paragraph.

Comments

Have your say - post a comment on this article

Registered users log in here
If you are registered with us, you can login here. If you are not registered, please do so now. Once logged in you wont have to complete word verification each time you post.